Everyone experiences loss. It is said that people experience an average of 5 losses by 14 years old, and 10 ~ 15 losses by adulthood. No matter how disciplined you are, naturally, it’s hard to face the pain of losing someone. It’s hard to comfort someone. People are just trying to suppress their sadness by pretending to be OK, or try to overcome it alone. Or people might say, “Don’t be sad,” “You’ll be able to solve everything in time,” and “You’ll have to be stronger for your children’s sake.” But I don’t know if those words are comforting. Am I a person who comforts well? This is a story about the sadness and healing we all go through.
– Editor’s note.
Milly’s Tips
① I feel a little better when I paint freely. I paint wildly and hide my father’s name somewhere on the paper.
② Make your own recipe for a ‘happy feelings cake’ and draw it. (I recommend the ingredient ‘happy thoughts!’)
③ Whether you are feeling sad, happy, or normal, decide the color of each emotion and paint it to make an emotional chart.
④ I couldn’t sleep well at night when my dad died, so I would think of a painting where a girl is flying over flowers and I think this would take my worries away.
⑤ As I drew pictures of the plants and trees and how they lived and died, I came to understand the cycle of my life.
“Talk to yourself! When you start and finish a conversation with yourself, there is nobody else to beat you. You are nervous, sad or lonely because you do not know you. Be friends with you!”
– Singer Kim Tae-won of KBS <Men’s Qualification>
How to truly console someone
“When I had a brain tumor at the age of six and had to undergo surgery, all I wanted was consolation. But besides the consolation, people forced courage upon a 6-year-old. It was cruel. It’s okay, Young. The surgery won’t be scary. It’s okay, you can beat it. What more could people say than that? You don’t have to be okay. Young, you don’t have to be okay. You can be scared, you can cry. If people said that, I’d be fine after crying a day or two. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t cry then, but whenever I think about when I was six, I start crying.”
– SBS TV Show <The Winter the Wind Blows > (Noh, Hee-kyung 2013).
Oh-young (played by actress Song Hye-kyo) learns from her fake brother, Oh-soo (played by actor Jo In-sung), that for many people it is not appropriate to externally show their sadness and pain. That’s why she doesn’t learn to comfort anyone. Like those who said such rational things to the scared and frightened 6-year-old Young, we don’t know what to say to those who have suffered a devastating loss from unemployment, disease, bankruptcy or even the death of their child, except to say “Don’t be sad” and “It’ll be okay.”
Rather than such rational words, try saying, “How scary that must be. How hard it must be. You can cry if you want to cry.” Those are statements that recognize and understand another person’s feelings as they are. Don’t avoid it, talk about the sadness, tell them it is okay to cry it out, or express any feelings. Just accept anything. Sometimes when someone is too tired to say anything, it’s comforting to just sit still or hug him without speaking, rather than talking. And those who are truly comforted are given the power to stand up again, without emotions being stirred up, without having to be told what to do.
To a man in sorrow…
- A relationship with a person who comforts greatly influences a person’s psychological state. It’s comforting to be around if you’re usually in a relationship of trust.
- Please sympathize with each other with a sincere heart rather than clumsy words and actions and be a quiet shoulder for the person to lean on. When he is sad, just hold his hand or hug him and help him fully express his sorrow.
- Take care that prolonged exposure to accident-related news and images may result in post-traumatic stress disorder even if the person is not directly involved.
- It is good to steadily train to extract negative emotions such as complexities, wounds, pain, and obsession that you might be unaware of. The less heaviness in your mind, the more power you have to deal with a crisis.
- I recommend hobbies, walking, and hiking to keep you happy. It is also important to maintain good human relationships in which you can both share joy and be consoled when you are sad.
– Jae-hwan, Kim; a psychiatrist at Mokpo Central Hospital
Write a letter that you don’t send.
Studies have shown that social skills, such as laughing and talking, have improved after relieving painful emotions through literature such as writing and diary writing. The most important thing in writing is to write in an extremely private and confidential space free from anyone’s censorship or criticism. Writing freely, regardless of grammar and handwriting, helps to release sad feelings. Journal therapist, Kathleen Adams, suggests writing “unsendable letters” to a grieving person experiencing loss. You can free yourself from painful feelings by saying whatever you want to say in a situation where no one is disturbed. You can also complete the unfinished relationship with the person you lost. And it helps you have a deeper, clearer perception of where you are with everything you want to say.
– Reference book <Touch My Heart> (Bong-hee, Lee / Thinking House)
It was around the time of winter vacation when I was working as an elementary school teacher nine years ago. I was at school when my phone rang and I heard about my husband ‘s sudden traffic accident. The sound of the phone call was getting farther away and I seemed to have a nightmare at the moment. My husband was a positive person positive about everything, but I was a person who had a lot of thoughts, was negative, and blamed easily. My husband ‘s accident seemed to be all my fault. I cried in grief every day, blaming myself. I would cry while washing my face in the bathroom, cry while cooking in the kitchen, wake up and cry, cry during the day and cry at night. Then one day, my 10-year-old son approached me while I was crying in the bathroom one day.
“Mom, do you know how hard it is for me and sister when you are like this?” At that moment, my mind became white and it seemed my heart stopped beating. Only then did I think that the children had lost their father. But it wasn’t easy to face the world. I felt like a sinner because I was afraid, unfamiliar, and ashamed. I read books that subdued my mind, read again and again, and relied on religion. But I couldn’t bear the fear and depression. Being alone, I couldn’t get out of the deep whirlpool of emotion. Then, I participated in a meditation teachers’ training.
I recalled every aspect of my life as I was meditating. I kept throwing away the nightmarish car accident, that mistake for my husband, and those memories that kept tormenting me. At one point such things were erased, and the mind was relaxed and a little relieved of the fear and sorrow of being alone. And for the sake of the rest of my family, I felt I had to get away from all the painful feelings inside me.
I have come to realize that my husband, who I had thought had left my side, has become “a thousand winds” like Im Hyung-joo’s song and the world. And he is always with me and remains unchanged. Everyone has a life drama in his or her heart. I lived in my own drama and I couldn’t get out of my misery. Now I know how to see and enjoy the world as it is. Thank you to the world and to those who are with us.
– Kyungnam, Bin/ 50/ Clark, Philippines
I made pottery.
When anyone is tired and exhausted, he finds his own quiet safe haven. For me, ceramic work is my own confession, relaxation and enjoyment.
It was well over a decade ago that I became interested in pottery. There was a workshop near my house, but it was not easy to make time even though I wanted to go. It took years for ceramics to come to me as there is a condition and time for all things.
Three years later, it happened that my trust in the person I had known had completely crumbled. I was so confused that I couldn’t help thinking that everything that had been good with him was false and hypocritical. It wouldn’t have made a difference even if I told someone. It would actually be more painful. I wanted to be comforted, but what came was just endless tears.
At that time, the ceramics work came to my mind. It was only when I did it pottery did I feel like I could breathe. Like that, the relationship was formed and it has already been 15 years since it became my safe haven, like a secret friend, and it made me look back on myself for the past 15 years.
If I touch a clay figurine by myself, the painful and difficult things are as light as the story of a soap opera. When I feel that no one understands me, when I want to pour tears from my heart, I make a jar and put my emotions into it. When I’m tired and exhausted, the bumpy corners are revealed. But when my mind is at peace, the shape or the lead of the pottery is very soft and peaceful. All the pottery I created contains my mind and stories. Through pottery I was able to take care of me and really reflect upon myself. I like the time where I got to look after me and look back through the ceramics. Maybe this is common healing and/or a healing method.
Just as the pottery was for me, I would recommend you to focus on anything when your life becomes desperate. Whether it be cooking, painting or singing. It will heal you soon.
– Hwan-soon, Park / 47 / Modong-myeon, Sangju, Gyeongbuk Province
It’s common to say that hard times don’t ruin people. A person will be ruined if he cannot be comforted. It is the same between lovers and couples. How can it not be difficult for people while living? But lovers and friends who were comforted after facing hardships are said to last longer and do better. So one of the reasons why women live seven years longer than men is that they can communicate and comfort without the medium of alcohol. But it’s hard for men without alcohol.
Everyone, please feel sorry for Korean men. I heard that Korean men are the best at work. The hardest thing for them is to praise or comfort others. When I asked him why, he thought about why it was so hard to do it. He said he’d never seen his father do it. It’s not that he doesn’t like to praise or comfort others, but because he has never seen that before he feels awkward and he just repeats it.
So I think men should try to learn a new language. It’s awkward, but try to say words like, “Is it hard?” And what if the women could understand that it isn’t because he doesn’t have a heart; it’s just that he didn’t learn that language.
– CBS TV <Time to Change the World, 15 Minutes > A lecture by Chang-ok Kim, a professor at Seoul Women’s University,
Source: maummonthly.com
