I consider myself very lucky to have an amazing mom who had been my inspiration and my rock throughout my life. Her journey to where she is now and all that she had achieved in an era and culture where women were only expected to raise children, is a tale to tell in itself. She was very loving, healthy, and fed us tasty food. She led by example that there is always an answer to every problem if we just try a little harder and we must always help someone that is less fortunate than ourselves by giving them the gift of knowledge.
My mother was married young and immediately had children. Against all odds, she continued to pursue her studies while raising us and achieved a PHD when I was in 3rd grade. She became a professor at Harvard when I was 16. She always worked hard to make sure my brother and I had every opportunity that she didn’t. Yet, she was aware not to push too hard and gave us freedom of thought in whatever we wanted to pursue. She gave me a stable foundation.
One would think a person like my mom would receive nothing less than a standing ovation whenever she showed up. But that is far from what used to happen when she visited me.
I used to joke with my friends that my mom and I should never visit each other for less than 3-4 days. This is because the first 2 days were always tumultuous, followed by 1 normal day and 1 enjoyable day. My mom was always very happy to see me but immediately assessed my situation and started to advise me about how I could improve it. I remember my mom saying things like I should eat healthier, sleep more, exercise more or find a more comfortable job or a better life partner or relax more or be in touch with family more….etc.
As any respectful child would do, I immediately pushed back, argued, told her she was never happy for me and I would change nothing in my perfect life other than listening to her. I would in turn judge her on all her decisions and question why she did not have the perfect reaction to every situation – after all, she’s my mother and she should never make a mistake. Usually, the first 2 days of our visits became a pre-set menu of hearty, screaming starters followed by a course of blame, ending with tears for dessert.
Then, I started to meditate. And the preset menu miraculously flipped to a hearty exchange of lively information for starters, followed by a course of each other’s wise assessment, ending with compliments for dessert.
How did this amazing change happen you ask? Simple actually. The meditation method helped me systematically get rid of all my preconceived notions of “my mom” and what I falsely believed a “mom” should be like. I also realized my mom is not trying to compare my achievements to hers. I can now see my mother as a whole person. I realized that I had a one sided view of her from my childhood and failed to understand that she continued to change and grow after I left home. I also realized that she needed to understand the same about me but I have never given her that opportunity. I started sharing both my achievements and my vulnerabilities and stopped judging her for her vulnerabilities. I began to understand that she only advises me because she wants the best for me and not because she wants to find faults with me. I am now able to convey to her that I am very grateful for the way she raised me and she should let go of all worries as I am leading a very fulfilled life. This change in my paradigm shifted our interaction and in turn our relationship to a grateful, nurturing bond. Mother is now able to lean on me for support. For this, I will ever be thankful.
Happy Mother’s Day!
