“I was an authoritative and patriarchal dad who was irritated by his family and made them do a lot of things!” In his mid-40s, working at a financial institution and raising two children, the father honestly confessed his past. He has worked more than 20 years in a single job and has been recognized for his diligence and ability, but at home he would release all his externally caused stress upon his family, in turn making them freeze. One day, as he began meditating, he started to change little by little.

  • How on earth did treat your family?

If I didn’t get my way, I would get very irritated and yelled a lot. As I am in the service industry, I always have to laugh on the outside. I should say that I released the stress that I had accumulated at work on my family. My body was tired and so I would just lie down and boss my family around a lot, “Bring me water, bring me the remote, bring me this and that.” As I am a man from Gyeongsang-do and grew up as the eldest son, I had a strong conception that men should be like this. I didn’t think of helping out with the housework. When I got angry, I would throw things.

  • Wow! You must have been a scary dad.

Looking back now, I was too much for my family. But that’s not how I was from the beginning. At the time it all began, I was personally going through difficult times. The company was embroiled in an incident in which its superiors were suing each other, causing internal strife. I was on the verge of being sued, and for 2 years I didn’t get to have a vacation to deal with anything. I just did my job. In the end, I was rejected, and I suffered so much. Why did this happen to me? How could people who’ve always been together make accusations? I was furious and resentful towards the world. I turned my anger, rage, and stress all onto my family.

After that, my sister died of depression and my father died of shock. My life was unmanageable. Starting from that point, I suffered from insomnia. I couldn’t sleep even though I tried all different methods. The pain was beyond description. But my wife slept soundly. I hated that so much. When I saw her sleeping face, I thought, ‘She is the only one who would recognize my pain.’ But I realized that actually there was no one who could understand me. It was agonizing. My body got worse. I suffered from diarrhea and my stomach wasn’t doing well due to my hypothyroidism. I basically lived on medicine. Even the kids’ laughing and talking annoyed me. I yelled at the kids to be quiet. Then the wife and children had to walk around silently without making a sound. I was so tired, yet my wife and the kids seemed happy. When I saw that I was jealous and felt left out.

  • But how did it end?

My body was exhausted, and my mind was spent. I thought I’d rather die than live like this. The day my heart hit rock bottom and as soon as I got home from work, I said to my wife, “I’m so tired. I can’t live any longer.” My wife knew I was having a hard time, but she was surprised when I told her so. At that time, my wife said there is a meditation center and asked if I wanted to go? Meditation? I felt relief just hearing those words. I registered at the local center that day. The funny thing was that I slept so well that day, thinking “Ah, I believe I have just had a breakthrough.”

  • For some reason, as I listened, I felt relieved.

As I am a very dubious person, initially, I had a lot of suspicion and wondered whether this was a strange organization. But after a week, I really felt my emotional attachments were being thrown away. After 20 days of meditation, my mind was amazingly thrown away, and the thoughts that had complicated my head decreased. I confirmed that this meditation really worked. Then one day I enlightened, “The universe was originally me,” and the moment I realized my true nature, I was so happy.

  • Did you discard your emotions about your family?

I threw away an immense amount. I’m an introvert, but my wife is a lively and easygoing person. I became fascinated by her personality, but when we actually lived together, I realized there were many things that didn’t fit me. For example, when I came home from work, I wanted the house to be clean, but my wife didn’t mind much. People around her often followed her, so she was involved in a lot of outside activities. That was really annoying. Of course, we often fought. But after I meditated, I realized that I had thought of my wife as my property. She is an independent being, yet I was trying to control her through my own standards. All people have their own thoughts. I was able to see what a hard time my wife and children had gone through, and I was able to atone a great deal.

  • That’s a relief. Is it different now? You don’t overwork your family?

It’s completely different. Now I admit my differences and try to reconcile them. My framework about men is gone, so I’m helping out with a lot of the housework. I wash the dishes, wash the laundry, clean the house, and prepare the kids’ meal.  During the holidays, I wash the dishes and go get water for myself. (laughs) I like how I move for my family and through it my wife and children are happy. I rarely get annoyed now and I can easily control it when I become aware of my feelings of irritation. Through my changes, my family’s life has become free and the atmosphere has changed a lot. My son kisses me every morning. If I used to be a scary and reluctant father, I now pride myself on being a reliable father whom others are comfortable around. I heard my wife once thought that she couldn’t stand living with me and that she had to break up. It must have been hard for her. She held on because she was positive. If I hadn’t changed, maybe now her thoughts would have become reality. I was very sorry to her and told her I will make her happy from now on.

  • I’m surprised you’ve changed so much.

It was possible because the roots of the fundamental stress, anxiety, and hatred were discarded. After I lost all those enormous minds that weighed on me, I was able to get rid of my insomnia and improve my health. During hard times, I blamed others a lot. But when I reflected on my life, it was actually all my fault. That’s what happened to me, and that’s how I looked at the world. With my sensitive personality, I took everything more personally. If I were to go through that again now, I would deal with it in a different way. Those who used to be my enemies are no longer detestable. I’m always happy to sincerely smile at everyone. It’s amazing to see myself. By discarding myself, I’ve gained enormous freedom.

  • That’s amazing! What do you want to say to the struggling 40-something year old dads?

This meditation became a real turning point in my life. In this era, the heads of households go through great difficulties. They live with a lot of weight without being able to express it. When you look back on your life and empty it out, you get to know what your true nature is and you even realize the meaning of life. Then there is no worry or anxiety about the future. You will know how to live and enjoy the real world. If dad is happy, the family will be happy, too. So I really hope fathers try to meditate.


Source: maummonthly.com